A Mother's Love For Her Children

I have two beautiful children ages 5 and 7. Brandon is the older and Amelya is the princess in the family. They are both bright, gifted, healthy and unique in their own ways. Both will fight over a lousy piece of old plastic bag and the next minute, are the best of friends.

Such are the antics I see and the wonders of being in their natural selves. We adults need to open up our eyes to look and learn from our children. Children have no prejudices, and they don't pretend like we do. And most of all, children are pure and speak from their hearts.

I wonder how so many people can be so cruel to children. Why? Why do they do what they do? In our own home country and around the world, we read in the newspapers and watch the TV reporting abuses on these innocent children. We hear of the pain and abuse they are forced to experience from perverted adults. Sadly, many times these pain and abuses were caused by people the trusted most. Their own family and carers.

How would you and I feel if someone abuses us for reasons we do not know? Try putting ourselves in that child's environment. How would you feel in your heart? I know I would be terrified. I would be confused. I would want to run away to a safe place. Any place would be better than there but just wouldn't know how to do it and where to run.

Studies have shown that the abuser is more often than not a person who has been abused himself or herself when she/ he was small. Now that they have become adults, they carry the scars and hurts in them and are finding out how it feels like to be the one inflicting pain on someone else. This way, they believe they can 'heal' and justify their heidous cruel behaviour.

As a mother myself, there is nothing I won't do to keep my children safe. To protect them from harms way. I feed them. I clean them. I clothe them. I talk with them in a manner I would want them to understand a good two-way conversation between two people. With manners and politeness and in turn, become the kind of adults I would them to become one day. I wish for them a peaceful and beautiful life with love and care. But I know deep in my heart, this will only put them in a protective bubble that only exist in an imaginary world.

One day, their eyes will open up. Like us adults now, they too will see the 'real' world we all live in. The real world where people will only go after what is important to them and what they think will benefit themselves. Often, with little regards to others, if at all.

But for now, I will cherish what little time I still have left with their innocent years. I will always treasure these moments while their eyes are still pure, their hearts not tainted with pain and sufferings. I will always hold their hands and smell their cheeks and hold them close to me. Because I am mother. Because my children have given me the gift I did not ask. This gift opened up my eyes to see what beauty means. What true love means. And what sacrifices means. I thank them in return. I am grateful for this gift.

Thank you both, my beautiful darlings. For now, I will do my part loving and protecting you. Whilst the pain and sufferings continues in our world today inflicting pain and abuses on other children. We must stand together and tell these abusers to stop. Stop and look at themselves. What they are doing will never bring them any help nor healing. Instead, they shoud get help or talk with someone who can help them about their problems. Maybe one day, our world will be a better, safer place for our children and their children.

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Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers - A Painful Psychological Legacy

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who have barely survived psychologically. In the extreme, there are daughters who starved themselves to death by anorexia as the only way they could find to salvage some small crumb of their existence. We know these daughters, even though their secrets of maternal deprivation and abuse are well camouflaged behind shining faces, glowing grades and strong professional portfolios. Trapped from early childhood, they are victims of a mother who was incapable of loving them.

The narcissistic mother is psychologically fused with her daughter. Her coldness and lack of empathy affect her child from the beginning. These mothers experience their daughters, not as unique individuals, but as extensions of themselves.

Narcissistic mothers sabotage their daughters efforts to become separate productive individuals. The narcissistic mother is envious of her daughter on every level. This becomes particularly pointed as her child moves into adolescence. Young men are beginning to take notice and indicate that they are sexually attracted to this young woman. This puts the narcissistic mother's back up. She feels a gnawing envy in her gut to compete with her daughter. The mother undermines her child, telling her a series of lies that shake her daughter's confidence in her feminine identity.

The hypnotic hold a narcissistic mother has on her daughter can be so strong and pathological that the child doesn't know what she is thinking or feeling. The narcissistic mother takes full credit for her daughter's achievements at the same time that she constantly criticizes and demeans her child for using initiative or having creative ideas. The daughter who dares to think for herself or who moves toward psychological individuation is heavily criticized, labeled as a rebel and striped of any meaningful role in the family.

The narcissistic mother frequently causes powerful and damaging psychological rifts between her children. Narcissistic mothers pit one sibling against the other and use conspiratorial secrets (often lies) to further poison and destroy the relationships between her children.

She will choose one child as the special one. Often this is a child who is particularly attractive physically, highly intelligent, or displays artistic or musical talent. This child is worshipped by the mother. The chosen child can do no wrong, even if he or she is cruel, mean and deceitful to others. The chosen child is the perfect incarnation of the mother. The narcissistic mother chooses another child as the loser. This daughter becomes the target and reservoir for the narcissistic mother's expression of her unconscious feelings of self hatred and worthlessness. This child is a living disposal for the narcissistic mother's toxic venom.

Narcissistic mothers are never satisfied. If the daughter receives B's in her classes, they could have been A's. "Just apply yourself, dear. What's the matter with you?" Narcissistic mothers are obsessed with image. If the target daughter is slightly overweight, the mother makes snide remarks about her child's body. You're looking a little thick around the middle; your upper arms are on the chubby side. Your friend Sandra is nice and thin. If you watched what you ate, you could be attractive like she is." Narcissistic mothers are relentlessly cruel and critical. They would discover flaws in the perfect daughter. This will always be true since the narcissistic mother suffers from a severe personality disorder. These individuals are completely self absorbed, cold, manipulative, deceitful, exploitive, and lacking in the slightest portion of human empathy.

Most daughters of narcissistic mothers survive this malignant abuse. They learn to block their strong emotions and dance to their mothers' tune to save themselves. Some daughters become highly rebellious, act out with drugs, alcohol or sex and leave the family prematurely.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can heal through the work of psychotherapy. One of the first issues is acknowledging and grieving over the fact that they never had a real mother, someone who loved them and cared about them as a separate, valuable human being. Daughters learn that they are not  their mothers. As horribly as they were treated, some daughters spend their lives forming dysfunctional relationships with men who resemble their narcissistic mothers. They repeat the psychological patterns of childhood rather than work through the pain to transform it.

On the other side of the cauldron of transformation, daughters of narcissistic mothers are born for a second time. They are in touch with the loveliness of their bodies, the exquisite beauty of their minds and psyches and the vast depth of their souls. Now, they feel authentic---fully alive.

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